Social Media? Um nope. Not for me.

This is a question I'm constantly asked. "Wait, you are not on social media? Like at all?" There was a point in my life were the constancy of likes and comments crafted my idea of happiness. Fiddling with filters, the inevitable editing of my posts and the most important, bouncing towards my phone every time I heard the notification ding.. This had become my reality. I was so consumed in what others had to say about me that the anticipation of it started to negatively impact my mental health. The insecurity of matching up to people's expectations had crept up on me insidiously that I had no idea what I was getting myself into. Stalking the profile of my friends and comparing myself with them had casted a shadow of self-doubt. Was I wearing the right outfit? Is the setting too dull? Is a picture of my dinner just too cliche? Should I change the filter? The questions would always linger in the back of my head and most of the time take the better of me. I would try to post things that seemed 'fun' and 'cool' when truth was that I had no intention to do so.

Soon I had deeply immersed myself in social media that it had become an obsession. I was always on my phone. In class. In my room. Sometimes throughout the night that I would manage just a few hours of sleep. I would lose track of time when surfing Facebook that I would skip meals, or just stock up on chips so that I wouldn't have to bother getting food. It changed my habits one by one. This inherently changed my actions, my behaviour and eventually changed me as a person. In college I tried to manage a good GPA and an active social life with my unhealthy relationship with social media. And well, I could not balance everything like I had expected to. I was always distracted and could never singularly give my attention to anything. When with friends I would be possessed with the idea of taking 'that picture', the one that you would upload on Insta. The truth was that I was never able to spend quality time with my friends because I was always clicking pictures or editing existing ones. The notifications would always distract me when studying and I would just waste hours scrolling down staring at the screen, inevitably forcing me to finish projects and assignments in the last hour.

To be honest, I knew what all this was doing to me but I just chose to ignore everything. Over time I was irritable and got annoyed about pretty much everything. The idea of perfection that you would see in social media posts was what I would expect from people and situations in reality. And come on, the idea of perfection is a silent killer. Why I say this is is because I had constructed such high expectations (unrealistic ones) that would eventually build the feeling of disappointment and regret in me for not having met this unreal standard.

One day, my impulsive self decided to uninstall all the social media on my phone. Fb, Insta, Snapchat. All gone. Did it work? No it didn't. I was restless, constantly picking up my phone, stuck with the dilemma of whether I should reinstall the apps again. The decision of staying away from social media was one that I had to realise personally. Why am I doing it? How will it help me? Will I stay by the decision I make? I didn't think all this through. After a couple times of reinstalling and uninstalling, I had to actually sit and talk to myself of why I 'need' this for me. I had to motivate myself. Listen to myself. And then it happened. Over time, I deleted all my accounts.

I started focusing on my art. I was able to pay attention when people were talking. I was listening to them, not hearing what they were saying. There is a huge difference. I was learning new things. Exploring. Discovering the place I was living in. Soon, I had become indifferent to social media. This doesn't mean that I stopped taking any photos. I still do take pictures, but I guess the need to share picture perfect photos to everyone was not there anymore. On introspection, I was more happy without social media. No fomo. No expectations to meet. I was living. I was present. I learned how to be me.